Anger Isn't the Problem. What's Underneath It Might Be.

You've probably been told at some point that you have an anger problem. Maybe someone said it directly. Maybe you said it to yourself after snapping at a partner, raising your voice at your kids, or sending a message you immediately wished you could take back. And maybe — somewhere underneath all of that — you know that the anger isn't really what's going on.

Here's what most people don't learn growing up: anger is rarely the root emotion. It's usually a signal. A protector. A very loud way of saying something else is wrong. At Candor Therapy Network in Richmond, VA, we work with a lot of people who come in thinking they need to "fix" their anger — and what we find together is something much more interesting than that.

Anger as a Secondary Emotion

Psychologists often describe anger as a secondary emotion — meaning it tends to surface on top of something else that's harder to feel or name. The primary emotion might be:

Fear. Grief. Shame. Loneliness. Helplessness. Feeling unseen, disrespected, or dismissed.

These emotions are vulnerable. They require us to admit that something hurt us, that we're scared, or that we don't have control. Anger, by contrast, can feel more powerful. More protective. It creates distance when closeness feels threatening and gives us somewhere to put feelings that seem too big or too soft to sit with.

That's not a character flaw. That's a very human response to pain.

What Anger Might Actually Be Telling You

When anger shows up, it's worth asking: what is this reaction protecting me from feeling?

For some people, anger flares up when they feel out of control — in a relationship, a job, or a life situation that isn't going the way they hoped. The anger says I'm fighting back, even when there's nothing to actually fight.

For others, anger is grief in disguise. Losing something — a person, a version of your life you planned on, a sense of safety — can come out sideways when we haven't given ourselves permission to mourn it.

And for many people, anger is a response to unmet needs: feeling unsupported, unheard, taken for granted, or chronically stretched too thin without anyone noticing. According to the American Psychological Association, anger is a normal and healthy emotion — the problem isn't feeling it, it's when we don't understand what it's communicating or when our response to it causes harm.

Why "Just Calm Down" Never Works

Standard advice around anger tends to focus on suppression or control: count to ten, take a breath, walk away. And while those tools can help in the moment, they don't address what's underneath.

If you're repeatedly finding yourself in the same cycle — calm, then triggered, then flooded, then regretful — it's usually because the underlying emotion never got addressed. You managed the reaction, but the source is still there.

Real change happens when you can start to recognize the moment before the anger, identify the feeling underneath it, and respond to that instead.

This is exactly the kind of work that anger management therapy is designed to support — not just teaching you to white-knuckle through your reactions, but helping you actually understand them.

How Therapy Can Help (and What to Expect)

Working with a therapist on anger doesn't mean spending sessions talking about how bad your temper is. It usually looks more like this:

You start to map your patterns — what triggers you, what happens in your body right before you react, and what you're actually feeling beneath the anger. From there, you and your therapist work on building awareness and developing responses that feel true to who you are.

Sometimes, this work connects to anxiety or depression — because all three often show up together, each one feeding the others in ways that are hard to untangle alone.

The National Institute of Mental Health notes that emotional dysregulation often underlies a range of mental health challenges, and that therapy can be highly effective in building long-term emotional regulation skills.

Our team at Candor Therapy Network provides a space where you can explore all of it — without judgment, without labels, and without being told you just need to calm down.

A Note About Our Anger Management Group

This March, Candor Therapy Network is launching a new Anger Management Group for people who are ready to understand their anger at a deeper level — in community with others who get it. Group therapy offers something individual sessions can't always replicate: the experience of being witnessed, of realizing you're not alone, and of practicing new skills in real relationship.

Whether you're in Richmond or anywhere in Virginia, you can access this group via telehealth. If you're curious, reach out and we'll help you figure out if it's the right fit.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a secondary emotion, and why does it matter for anger management?

A secondary emotion is one that arises in response to a deeper, more vulnerable feeling. Anger is one of the most common secondary emotions — it often covers fear, grief, shame, or helplessness. Understanding this is important because it shifts the focus from controlling your anger to understanding it, which leads to more lasting change.

Does Candor Therapy Network offer anger management therapy in Richmond, VA?

Yes. We offer individual therapy and are launching a group therapy option in March 2026. Our Richmond, VA practice also serves clients across Virginia through secure telehealth — so wherever you are in the state, we can connect.

What if I'm not sure whether I need anger management or something else, like anxiety or depression?

That's completely normal — and part of what therapy is for. Anger, anxiety, and depression often overlap and feed each other. Our therapists will work with you to understand the full picture rather than fitting you into one category. You don't need to have it figured out before you reach out.

Can therapy really help with anger long-term?

Yes. Research consistently shows that therapy — particularly approaches that focus on emotional awareness and regulation — leads to meaningful and lasting reductions in reactive anger. It takes time and consistency, but most people find that understanding the root emotions behind their anger is genuinely transformative.

Is the Anger Management Group available to people outside of Richmond?

Yes. The group runs via telehealth, which means anyone in Virginia can participate. We believe access to quality mental health care shouldn't be limited by where you live.

Ready to Look Underneath the Anger?

If you've been carrying anger that feels bigger than the moment that triggered it, you don't have to keep managing it alone. Therapy isn't about becoming someone who never gets angry — it's about understanding what your anger is trying to tell you, and learning how to respond to it in a way that actually helps.

At Candor Therapy Network in Richmond, VA, we'd love to help you get there. Whether you're interested in individual therapy, our upcoming group, or you're just not sure where to start — reach out here and we'll take it from there. Serving Richmond and all of Virginia through secure, convenient telehealth.